Archive for September, 2007

Iran says CIA is ‘terrorist’ agency

There’s always one, isn’t there.


“Iran’s parliament has approved a nonbinding resolution to label the CIA and the US army as “terrorist organisations”.”

Oh give me a freakin’ break. You know, I can actually sympathize with some of the complaints that Iran has with the CIA and others. But this ‘resolution’ is reminiscent of a 9-year-olds insult come-back “No I’m not, you are!”

And what exactly is Ahmadinejad going to do if it is ratified into Iranian law? Are they going to freeze CIA assets? Will they apply travel restrictions on US Army personnel?

al-Jazeera goes on to say:

“The (Iranian) government is expected to remain silent over the parliament resolution and wait for US reaction before making its decision.”

Well what the hell do you think the US reaction will be? Condoleeza Rice or a White House spokesperson will come out and say something like “accusations from a state sponsor of terrorism don’t carry much weight in world opinion” or “statements like these are just another example of Iran trying to divert world attention away from their funding and arming of terrorists in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Lebanon.”

What a bunch of jack-asses.


I was almost right, it was National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe and his exact words were that he declined to comment:

“on non-binding resolutions passed by parliaments in countries with dubious records on human rights, democracy and that are state sponsors of terror.”

The story from IRNA (Iranian state controlled news agency)
Iran’s parliament votes to label CIA, U.S. Army ‘terrorist’ groups
Iran says CIA is ‘terrorist’ agency



September 30, 2007 at 3:55 am 1 comment

Mexican President Felipe Calderon criticises US border plans

OR: What’s Good For el Ganso

Is Not Good For el Gander.

Why is it that Mexican presidents and politicians scream racism and prejudice when the U.S. tries to prevent illegal Mexicans from crossing the border, but they protect their borders from their other neighbors with twice the zeal and diligence?


Mexico anger over US border fence
Mexico criticises US border plans


September 29, 2007 at 8:49 pm Leave a comment

Psycho Ninja Woman Attacks “Illegal Spics”

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words!

The nutjob you see pictured here is Amanda Jane Darling Harris (or AJDH) of Eagle, Colorado.

She is accused by Eagle Police of chasing a group of 9 to 15 year old children while wielding a 18-inch samurai sword on September 20th, and has been held until posting a $3,500 bond today.

Apparently she was unhappy with the fact that the “illegal spics” (as she reportedly called them) were playing in the parking lot of the Villa Apartments. The children told police that she called them “little fu*king wetbacks” and told them to get back to their own country. Because of these terms of endearment, AJDH will be charged with ethnic intimidation along with her suspicion of menacing, use of a deadly weapon, misdemeanor third-degree assault with a weapon and harassment charges. reports:

“According to the police report, the teens said Harris yelled at the children, “If you’re scared, then you’re guilty.” That is when they said she chased them with the sword.

One boy said Harris grabbed him and held the sword to his throat, telling him he “needed to stop causing her problems.”

A girl told police that Harris chased and grabbed her and threatened to cut off her ponytail.”

Ahhh… here we go. Aren’t you glad you read to the end? Harris is employed by Pooh Corner Preschool in Minturn, Colo., according to the arrest report. A spokeswoman for the preschool said she couldn’t comment on Harris’ current employment status.

Police: Woman Chases Kids With Samurai Sword


September 29, 2007 at 12:00 am 4 comments

Use A Toilet Or Go To Jail

OR: Up Sh*t Creek Without A Paddle

Police in the Eastern Uganda district of Tororo are arresting villagers who do not have toilets for their homes. District authorities are trying to discourage people from the common practice of defecating in bushes, and said that the “toilet defaulters” would be released in exchange for an agreement to dig a pit latrine within one week.

From Tororo District Chairman Emmanuel Osuna:

“It’s lamentable that while the Americans and the Europeans are visiting the moon and are about to reach the sun, in this part of Africa I am busy hunting for people who claim they don’t have the time and the technology for making simple pit latrines.”

I’m not sure why District Chairman Osuna believes that Americans and Europeans are about to reach the sun, but…whatever… 

During a wednesday raid in Osukuru, 50 homes were found to have no toilets; however forty of the disgusting bastards escaped by swimming across the river to Kenya or by climbing nearby high rocks. (Apparently the police are forbidden to chase people onto high rocks.)

Okay, that’s just nasty. Dig a damn hole, for god’s sake. It’s bad enough that you have to be told to do it, then threatened with jail, but OMFG! is it really worth running away and swimming to another country!!

Toiletless men arrested in Uganda


September 28, 2007 at 8:14 pm 1 comment

HIV-infected condoms sent to kill Africans!!

OR: The Catholic Church Puts It’s

Rubbers Where It’s Mouth Is

What the hell is the deal with African leaders and AIDS? (see also Gambian Presidents Kentucky Fried Aids Cure)

Mozambique’s Roman Catholic Archbishop Francisco Chimoio has proclaimed that at least two European countries (he has refused to name them) is purposely infecting condoms with HIV and shipping them to Africa “in order to finish quickly the African people”.  Some anti-retroviral drugs were also tainted according to Chimoio, who presides over Mozambiques “Our Lady of Dumb-Asses”.

Archbishop Jackass Chimoio didn’t mention why an anti-retroviral would need to be tainted with HIV if its consumer already had the disease.

This is not some random idiot, by the way. This is the head of the whole Catholic Church in Mozambique. Speaking to the BBC, he said:

“I know that there are two countries in Europe … making condoms with the virus, on purpose…They want to finish with the African people. This is the programme. They want to colonise until up to now. If we are not careful we will finish in one century’s time.”

I, for one, do not want to see Africans “finished”. If for no other reason, then because half my posts concern insane quotes from their leaders.

Archbishop: HIV-infected condoms sent to kill Africans
Shock at archbishop condom claim


September 28, 2007 at 12:29 am Leave a comment

Why Osama bin Laden Dyed His Beard

I found this comedic explanation as to why bin Laden in my favorite South African newspaper, Mail & Guardian Online.

Dyeing for the cause

A comment by: Marina Hyde 

There are days when even the World’s Most Wanted Man looks in the mirror and just feels like the world’s most unwanted man. He stares at his grey beard, sighs wearily at a FedEx-ed package of cave-floor carpet samples Mullah Omar wants him to pick between, and thinks: is there some sharia law loophole that means I could hang out with Scarlett Johansson for a few days, as long we just laugh at funny little Japanese people together and don’t get it on?

His heart says yes; logistical problems say no. But what is the point of all the senseless mass murder and crappy pieces to camera if he has no one to share them with? Osama bin Laden’s belated midlife crisis has been revealed to the world in his latest video, the subplot of which was something about joining his “caravan of martyrs” but its overriding message was: “I’ve been manscaped. Who wants to go to a karaoke bar?”

Studying that newly-dyed beard, two shades up on the Pantone chart from Paul McCartney’s hair, you can only draw one conclusion: an age-inappropriate woman inspired it. He’s probably toying with quitting his job as al-Qaida’s CEO. Maybe even learning to surf, you know?

Alas, the global jihadist movement has the ideological manoeuvrability of a supertanker, and so it is that a new book finds Osama’s junior colleagues behind the curve. In Schmoozing with Terrorists, published this week, journalist Aaron Klein conducts interviews with several jihadists, during which he asks their opinions on various celebrities.

To summarise: holy warriors seem to have got pretty exercised about that kiss between Madonna and Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV video music awards. The one that Madonna declared she had explained to her daughter thusly: “I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her.” (Great job, old girl! Unfortunately, Britney’s downward spiral from there on in suggests you are in fact a succubus.)

Anyway, Abu Abdullah, a senior member of Hamas’s military wing, has a strategy for handling the ladies. “At the beginning,” he tells Klein, “we will try to convince Madonna and Britney Spears to follow Allah’s way.” Um … dude, did you see this year’s MTV awards? Britney can’t even follow the backing track’s way. The complex strands of the Qur’an might be a stretch at this difficult stage in her journey.

But Abdel-Al, a like-minded leader of the Popular Resistance Committees, concurs: “If these two prostitutes keep doing what they are doing, we of course will punish them. I will have the honour, I repeat, I will have the honour to be the first one to cut off the heads of Madonna and Britney Spears.” Can you technically be anything other than the first person to cut off someone’s head? Whatever. He goes on to say that women such as Madonna “must be 80 times hit with a belt”.

I think I already saw that in Madonna’s Express Yourself video.

Clearly, though, the positive news is that militants are becoming absurdly obsessed with celebrities, the opium of the West, and, like the rest of us, they will soon be so consumed by Lindsay’s rehab visits and Paris’s upskirt shots, that they will forget all about their day jobs.

In the meantime, does the book show that they respect any of our fine entertainment industry personalities? Well, there is the one . . . they love Mel Gibson. Yes, the jihadists have a lot of time for Mel. And I have to tell you that it isn’t because they really liked his work in Mad Max. — © Guardian News & Media Ltd 2007

Dyeing for the cause


September 23, 2007 at 6:47 pm 2 comments

Hawaiian MIT Arrested With Fake Bomb at Airport

OR: Aloha To Your Future!

I always thought that MIT was supposed to be filled with geniuses and whiz kids. Although, to be fair I guess that geniuses can still be nuts.

Star Simpson, artist extraordinaire!

Star Simpson, a 19 year old MIT Sophomore wearing a black-hooded sweatshirt was arrested at gunpoint at Logan International Airport outside Terminal ‘C’ with a fake bomb strapped across her chest. The (former?) swim team student said that it was a piece of art for career day. Quoting State Police Maj. Scott Pare, commanding officer at the Logan Intl.:

“She claims that it was just art, and that she was proud of the art and she wanted to display it.”

Pare went on to say that had Simpson not followed instructions during the arrest, she would be in a morgue instead of a cell. 

The “device” was described as having batteries connected to wires and a circuit board. Some reports go on to say that putty (later identified as Play-do) was also attached, others say that the Play-do was in Simpsons hands.

The MIT Swimming and Diving Team Sophomore had apparently walked into the airport with the “art” strapped to her minimal bosom, proceeded to the information desk where she asked about a passenger on an inbound flight from Oakland, then left the airport. Shortly thereafter she was discovered outside Terminal ‘C’ licking pavement and surrounded by police bearing automatic weapons.

Photos of a shaved headed Simpson from a friends online album(I’m pretty sure that my story is the only one with a link to these photos)
Star Simpsons Personal MIT Webpage
MIT student with fake bomb arrested at Boston airport
Police: Student Arrested In Bomb Hoax Lucky Not In Morgue
Woman held in airport bomb hoax


September 21, 2007 at 10:33 pm 3 comments

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