Why Osama bin Laden Dyed His Beard

September 23, 2007 at 6:47 pm 2 comments

I found this comedic explanation as to why bin Laden in my favorite South African newspaper, Mail & Guardian Online.

Dyeing for the cause

A comment by: Marina Hyde 

There are days when even the World’s Most Wanted Man looks in the mirror and just feels like the world’s most unwanted man. He stares at his grey beard, sighs wearily at a FedEx-ed package of cave-floor carpet samples Mullah Omar wants him to pick between, and thinks: is there some sharia law loophole that means I could hang out with Scarlett Johansson for a few days, as long we just laugh at funny little Japanese people together and don’t get it on?

His heart says yes; logistical problems say no. But what is the point of all the senseless mass murder and crappy pieces to camera if he has no one to share them with? Osama bin Laden’s belated midlife crisis has been revealed to the world in his latest video, the subplot of which was something about joining his “caravan of martyrs” but its overriding message was: “I’ve been manscaped. Who wants to go to a karaoke bar?”

Studying that newly-dyed beard, two shades up on the Pantone chart from Paul McCartney’s hair, you can only draw one conclusion: an age-inappropriate woman inspired it. He’s probably toying with quitting his job as al-Qaida’s CEO. Maybe even learning to surf, you know?

Alas, the global jihadist movement has the ideological manoeuvrability of a supertanker, and so it is that a new book finds Osama’s junior colleagues behind the curve. In Schmoozing with Terrorists, published this week, journalist Aaron Klein conducts interviews with several jihadists, during which he asks their opinions on various celebrities.

To summarise: holy warriors seem to have got pretty exercised about that kiss between Madonna and Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV video music awards. The one that Madonna declared she had explained to her daughter thusly: “I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her.” (Great job, old girl! Unfortunately, Britney’s downward spiral from there on in suggests you are in fact a succubus.)

Anyway, Abu Abdullah, a senior member of Hamas’s military wing, has a strategy for handling the ladies. “At the beginning,” he tells Klein, “we will try to convince Madonna and Britney Spears to follow Allah’s way.” Um … dude, did you see this year’s MTV awards? Britney can’t even follow the backing track’s way. The complex strands of the Qur’an might be a stretch at this difficult stage in her journey.

But Abdel-Al, a like-minded leader of the Popular Resistance Committees, concurs: “If these two prostitutes keep doing what they are doing, we of course will punish them. I will have the honour, I repeat, I will have the honour to be the first one to cut off the heads of Madonna and Britney Spears.” Can you technically be anything other than the first person to cut off someone’s head? Whatever. He goes on to say that women such as Madonna “must be 80 times hit with a belt”.

I think I already saw that in Madonna’s Express Yourself video.

Clearly, though, the positive news is that militants are becoming absurdly obsessed with celebrities, the opium of the West, and, like the rest of us, they will soon be so consumed by Lindsay’s rehab visits and Paris’s upskirt shots, that they will forget all about their day jobs.

In the meantime, does the book show that they respect any of our fine entertainment industry personalities? Well, there is the one . . . they love Mel Gibson. Yes, the jihadists have a lot of time for Mel. And I have to tell you that it isn’t because they really liked his work in Mad Max. — © Guardian News & Media Ltd 2007

Dyeing for the cause

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Joe  |  September 24, 2007 at 1:07 pm

    Thoughts: 1. OS Bin Liner reappears looking younger, (new beard?) just before the congress debate on US stratergy in Iraq.
    2. The well documented financial dealings between the Bush/Bin Liner families.
    3. The intelligence agencies have in the recent past been accused of trying to gain extra funding by using ‘scare tactics’ (This side of the ‘pond’, we just shoot the wrong person, normally someone from your side.)
    4. Am I being cinical ? … sodditt ! … I’m off to make a ham sandwich for lunch.

    Reply
  • 2. randalljones  |  September 30, 2007 at 4:16 am

    Are you aware that the FBI does not mention 9/11 on its Osama Ben Laden webpage?
    See http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/terrorists/terbinladen.htm

    Why wouldn’t an attack which killed 3,000 people be specifically mentioned?
    Journalist Ed Haas’ investigates this,

    On June 5, 2006, the Muckraker Report contacted the FBI Headquarters, (202) 324-3000, to learn why Bin Laden’s Most Wanted poster did not indicate that Usama was also wanted in connection with 9/11. The Muckraker Report spoke with Rex Tomb, Chief of Investigative Publicity for the FBI. When asked why there is no mention of 9/11 on Bin Laden’s Most Wanted web page, Tomb said, “The reason why 9/11 is not mentioned on Usama Bin Laden’s Most Wanted page is because the FBI has no hard evidence connecting Bin Laden to 9/11.”

    See complete article at href=”http://www.teamliberty.net/id267.html

    Here is a video on youtube of a news report that asks the question why has Osam Ben Laden not been indicted for 9/11.
    href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnUQczDktgI

    **sluggabohn says: Oddly enough, I was reading the 10 Most Wanted page of the FBI website yesterday and noticed the same thing. I thought it strange, but didn’t research it. Thanks for the info.**

    Reply

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